This blog is part of our Power of Healing series, which explores powerful journeys of healing and recovery and the resilience that fuels them
Healing from Anxious Attachment: My Path to Secure Relationships
Healing isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. One that’s nonlinear and deeply personal. My journey began with the unsettling realization that my relationships were defined more like episodes of a reality TV show; anxiety-filled and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I came to understand after my marriage ended, and began therapy, that I had unknowingly developed an anxious attachment style, which shaped how I interacted in friendships, with colleagues, and romantic relationships throughout my life.
For me, having an anxious attachment style meant living with a deep-rooted fear of abandonment, constantly seeking reassurance, and becoming overly obsessed with the need to always be chosen or liked. I’d find myself overanalyzing every text message or interaction, fearing rejection in the majority of connections with people in my life, and feeling overwhelmed by a nagging sense of never being enough.
Understanding My Attachment Style
I learned that attachment styles develop in early childhood, influenced by how consistent and responsive our caregivers were. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. My anxious attachment likely stemmed from inconsistency in my early relationships, where love and care were available but not reliable. This created a pattern of craving closeness while simultaneously fearing it.
If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to explore your own attachment style. Gaining insight into these patterns has been a powerful tool for my self-awareness and healing. Therapy was a crucial starting point for me, but resources like the Attachment Project’s quiz also helped me understand my attachment tendencies and kickstart my healing process.
My Healing Journey
Healing my anxious attachment style hasn’t been easy. It required deep introspection and a willingness to confront the uncomfortable truths about myself and my relationships. Therapy, particularly Attachment-Based Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), has been transformative. Through these sessions, I’ve learned to recognize the fears driving my anxiety and challenge the unhealthy thoughts that kept me stuck in insecurity and unhealthy relationship patterns.
When I asked my therapist about a key breakthrough moment on this journey, she reminded me how proud she was of the initiative I’d already taken by researching attachment styles, taking the online assessments, and reading all the books I could to better understand myself. She highlighted how my thought patterns, developed over many years, weren’t a reflection of who I am but rather the result of the relationships I had chosen. Many of those relationships were with people who leaned toward avoidant attachment styles or lacked the emotional availability to meet my needs. This realization, that I wasn’t “broken” or a “complete mess,” helped me reframe my self-perception.
That clarity hit hard, especially as a parent. I didn’t want my children to internalize similar patterns or grow up misunderstanding what healthy relationships should look like with others and with themselves. This turning point reshaped not only how I approached my healing but also how I approached parenting. I’m committed to breaking the cycle and showing my children what secure, loving relationships look like—starting with the one I have with them.
Developing practices that foster self-love and self-reliance has been essential in this process. I’ve educated myself on attachment styles, challenged negative self-talk, set healthy boundaries, and embraced my worth in relationships—even walking away when others couldn’t see it. These changes have not only strengthened my relationships but have also provided my children with a model of security and emotional resilience.
What I’ve Learned
This journey is ongoing, requiring patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to self-awareness. One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned is that healing isn’t about erasing the past; it’s about integrating those practices into the person I’m evolving into. I’ve found strength in my story and have embraced vulnerability, genuine connection, and, most importantly, my own worth. However, it’s important to recognize that healing looks different for everyone. While therapy has been a cornerstone of my journey, not everyone has access to it due to cost or other barriers. For some, healing might come through community support, cultural or religious practices, or personal exploration using books, workshops, or podcasts. There’s no one-size-fits-all path to growth.
Another one of my biggest fears after learning about attachment styles and how they are deeply rooted in childhood experiences was how my divorce might impact my children and their ability to form healthy relationships. Have I already royally screwed them up? Will they follow my same patterns? What do I do?!
Thankfully, I came upon this book, Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood, which reassured me in so many ways. It deepened my understanding of how I can help my children feel secure as they grow older. Here are just a few key reminders I took away from this book:
Connection Over Correction
Harwood emphasizes that strong parent-child relationships are built on emotional connection, not endless discipline. Instead of focusing on correcting behavior, she teaches how to connect with your child on a deeper level to understand the emotions driving their actions.
The Power of Presence
Children need their caregivers’ emotional presence more than constant perfection. Hardwood explains how being fully present in moments of joy, sadness, or conflict helps to create lasting security in a child’s mind.
Responding, Not Reacting
In moments of high stress, it’s easy to react emotionally. The book encourages parents to pause and respond thoughtfully, nurturing a child’s emotional needs instead of reacting out of frustration or fear.
The Importance of Repairing After Conflict
This. This is so very important, y’all. Conflict in any relationship is inevitable, but what matters is how parents repair and reconnect afterwards. Harwood explains how to model apologies and emotional repair, giving children the tools to mend their own relationships in the long run.
Cultivating Emotional Intelligence
The book emphasizes the importance of helping children name and understand their emotions. Through this, children learn to navigate complex emotional landscapes and become more resilient in the face of adversity.
Parenting Through Your Own Emotional Triggers
Harwood reminds readers that our own childhood experiences and emotional triggers can interfere with how we parent. It’s so important to cultivate self-awareness and know when we are being triggered. This allows us to step back and check ourselves, so it doesn’t negatively impact our children. She provides tools to work through these challenges.
Healing from anxious attachment has been one of the most challenging yet rewarding journeys of my life. It’s not about achieving perfection; it’s about making progress. Each small step forward brings me closer to the relationships that I deserve. While the path isn’t always easy, I’ve learned that growth is possible, and I am stronger than my fears. This journey has shown me that I can build the secure, fulfilling relationships I deserve, starting with the one I have with myself. If you’re on this journey too, remember, you are worthy of love, connection, and healing, exactly as you are.
Practical Tools for Healing Attachment Styles
If you’re navigating your own path of healing from an anxious attachment style, here are some tools that helped me:
Seek out therapy or professional guidance: Seeking support from a mental health professional can provide a safe space to explore your attachment style and develop healthier patterns. Therapy options can include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Attachment-Focused EMDR Therapy.
Practice mindfulness and self-regulation techniques: Practices like mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, grounding exercises, and taking a walk can help manage the overwhelming emotions that often accompany anxious attachment. Apps like Headspace or Calm offer guided practices that are easy to incorporate into daily life.
Educate yourself: Understanding attachment theory and its impact on adult relationships can be incredibly empowering. Books like Attached, The Power of Attachment, The Body Keeps the Score, and Raising Securely Attached Kids offer deep insights into how to navigate relationships from a place of security.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller
Raising Securely Attached Kids by Eli Harwood
Secure Love: Create a Relationship that Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Mennano
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
Listen to a podcast on attachment: Dive deeper into attachment theory and listen to real life stories on attachment styles and relationships.
On Attachment hosted by Stephanie Rigg
Let’s Talk Attachments hosted by Jessica Da Silva, LMFT
Attachment Theory in Action hosted by Kristy Nolan with The Knowledge Center
Host Kirsty Nolan sits down with experts in attachment, trauma, and child development to talk about the stuff that really matters—how trauma shapes behavior and development, how to build stronger relationships, and how to bring these insights into your daily work.
Take the Attachment Style Quiz: The Attachment Project's attachment style quiz is a valuable tool for understanding your attachment style. It provides personalized feedback and practical steps you can take to heal and grow.
Work to build secure relationships: Learning to identify and cultivate secure relationships, whether friendships, romantic partnerships, or work connections, can be so rewarding. Secure relationships provide a safe environment where we can practice vulnerability, set boundaries, and experience love without fear.
Author's Bio:
As Regional Program Coordinator at Resilient Georgia, Alex English plays an integral role in the organization's statewide coalition building efforts. Prior to joining Resilient Georgia, English served as the Director of Outreach and Training and co-founder of the Resilient Communities of Southwest Georgia coalition, an initiative being led by the Vashti Center in Thomasville, GA. Alex led marketing campaigns and developed resources to expand accessibility to local resources and behavioral health services for children and families throughout the rural Southwest Georgia region.
During her time as a coalition leader, she was instrumental in facilitating professional training sessions on topics including Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), trauma-informed care, child sexual abuse prevention, suicide prevention, and fostering resiliency. Her efforts have impacted over 3,000 community members since August 2020.
English earned a bachelor's degree in hospitality and event management from Florida State University. Beyond her professional commitments, she serves as the board chair of Thomas County Family Connections, co-chairs the mental health committee through the local Chamber of Commerce workforce development plan and sits on the Georgia Partnership for Excellence in Education's Rural Learning Network (RLN) Advisory Committee. Additionally, she is a proud graduate of Leadership Thomas Class 40 and is currently a part of the 15th cohort of South Georgia LEADS.
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